We say we are Christian! But do we wake up everyday morning with Yeshua in our hearts? Do we do everything with His name? Do we really believe the Bible word by word? More importantly, how much DO we love Jesus? Or how impatiently do we wait for His coming back and work towards it?
I ask these questions not only to my fellow brothers and sisters, but mainly to myself. Every night I try my best to pray with a humble, diligent heart. Most nights I succeed. Now I believe in prayer with all my heart and soul. But not every night I get to satisfy my spirit. Regardless, every night I set goals for myself. Some, I can make; most, I can’t. I like to think I do better every other day, but am I really? Are we really?
When I pray with my entire (well, a lot of it) Church members on Friday nights and Sunday mornings, my heart cries out to God for all the sins I can only remember at that moment. I know for a fact that those are merely a very little portion of sins I have committed. One might ask “what is sin?”
That’s when we look at the laws and decrees and all that good stuff. However, with my very limited knowledge if I were to very foolishly summarize the New Testament, sin is basically not loving our Lord God, Jesus and not obeying His teachings. The reason I say “not loving” is because when we truly love Jesus, following His commands become much easier. Because we can’t love Him without believing in Him. And if we believe Him we shouldn’t have any problems in obeying what He told us to do. What Jesus also told us is that, sin is against God. A very popular and respected pastor at my church is Pastor Paul Washer. During one of his sermons he explained how sin itself is the punishment from God. The reason you can actually put your sinful thoughts into action is because God is letting you. And every time we sin we are getting further and further away from God.
The dangerous thing of all of this is that even after loving Jesus to the point of screaming His name out of our lungs every night is not enough for us to stay away from sins. Not one person can say, “I love Jesus and I don’t sin at all”. But we should be able to, right?
I’m a very new Christian. And one thing I can say boldly is that I love Jesus. Even His holy name brings tear to my eyes, every time I take his name I remember His blood poured out as love for us. But I still sin, very common sins. Of course, I’m not proud of this. I’m just surprised that how messed up we are. I know a lot of my brothers and sisters have this problem. I’d love to be wrong, but unfortunately I’m not.
My supervisor at work, who is Muslim and is also from my native country tells me there’s a new mosque up a few blocks. I should join him to pray. The first day he asked me, I tried to change the topic. And at night I cried out and repented that I hid my identity and was unconsciously ashamed of the name Jesus. I told myself next time he asks I’m telling him that he may not ask me again. Today, being Friday, he asks me to join him for Jummah (Friday prayer). And I just froze as if my tongue had been cut off. I told him I’d let him know.
Now I’m afraid to go to sleep that if Jesus comes back tonight what will I tell Him? What argument would I have to be excused from this disgusting act? Did I not unconsciously put this petty job (that I hate btw) before Christ? How can I still say that I love Him?
I just sent my supervisor an email with my true identity. I wish I had done that the first time he called me to pray, Jesus would’ve been much happier with me.
The thing about proclaiming our Christianity is that… we shouldn’t care what happens to us. And we shouldn’t be afraid, because we know we are right.
It’s 3AM. I have morning prayer then a meeting w/ my internet team at church, then at night I have a test to fail. So good night my dears.
I hope Jesus do not come back tonight. I’m far from ready…
